my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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