On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
