I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
