Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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