my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
