My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
