3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
