Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
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