you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
