you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
