in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
