she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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