Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
And then my night got REAL pukey
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
