I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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