I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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