I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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