something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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