Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
