So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
