I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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