He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
