dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
