"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize