this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Life is so much better after having sex.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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