I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
