They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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