i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I need water and some morals
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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