oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
