i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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