I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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