then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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