i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
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