I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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