oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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