We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
