No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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