He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
When are your genitals available?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
