In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
