Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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