we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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