I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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