There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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