Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
