Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
