So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
