You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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