Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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