I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
