tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
