i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We're too hungover to prance.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
