Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
