4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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