Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize