so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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