Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize