You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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