sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
