My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Who put my cat in the fridge?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
