If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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