ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
