Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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