She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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