forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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