Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Randomize
