i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
